A fun (albeit useless) way to train for the 2010 Olympics.
Well it's been a while since I last dropped a hot steaming blog and I'm sure you've all missed my irreverent wit and style. What can I say, I haven't been all that angry lately. Well I've been angry, but I've been a little too busy to write it down. A little slap and tickle tends to temporarily extinguish my flames of hatred or at very least, gets the inferno of under some semblance of control so that I'm no longer telling old ladies and clergymen to go suck a donkey dick.
I love this time of year. The mercury is climbing baby. The trees are budding, the birds are singing, and the snow is melting leaving behind a mass of semi-frozen dog turds for all to enjoy. It's a wonderful time of year, no doubt. We finally get a respite from that lousy fuck Old Man Winter- we can finally put his frigid temperatures, gusting winds, icicle snot strands, and layers upon layers of wool and fleece behind us for a precious few months.
Perhaps we're all excited to be finished with the frostiness and clothing ourselves in flimsy attire is like putting the final nail in winter's coffin- maybe even like giving the season the finger. So in addition to the new leaves and quietly thawing dog excrement, we can also look forward to spotting muffin tops and muscle shirts.
Muffin tops. Where do I begin? Perhaps with a definition: muffin top occurs when someone sports a pair of pants that are too tight and the resulting flab spills over the top of the waistband of said pants resembling a baking muffin. For more details and pictures, check out both Wikipedia and the Urban Dictionary . It's not a good look to say the least. It's like a lard sandwich. For the love of all things holy, stop it. Just stop it! There's no excuse for this- NONE. Either buy longer shirts or higher rise pants, or better yet, buy some fucking clothes that ACTUALLY FIT YOU. Muffin top can strike anyone at any time, so be wary, be alert, and most importantly, be realistic. If you can't see your feet, you're not a size 2 so don't even think about putting on those daisy-dukes.
Muscle shirts. I don't really have too much of a problem with these, except they seem to be worn exclusively by people with no muscles. It's like muscle shirts are reserved for those skinny, greasy guys who are never seen without a trucker hat on- you know the type, they usually have a mullet and a cigarette. But then when a dude who actually HAS muscles wears one in an attempt to keep from sweating to death, he gets made fun of by his peers because he's "showing off". I mean, sure, some of them wear tank tops because they're so full of steroids they don't have a shirt with sleeves big enough to house their massive twitching bulk, but there are some gentlemen out there with nice toned arms who shouldn't feel bad about sporting something sans sleeves. Sometimes I feel kinda bad for guys what with the tank-top double standard, but here's a few guidelines that should help:
- If your arms are skinnier than your grandma's, you shouldn't wear one
- If your arms/shoulders are hairier than this guy, you shouldn't wear one
- If you constantly feel the need to flex your biceps in public, you shouldn't wear one
I guess what I'm getting at is that there are some styles out there that just don't suit
everyone. Be honest with yourself when looking in the mirror, put on something sensible, and spare us all some nightmares. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to put on my tube top.