iLaugh.com

It's only December 17, 2008 and the novelty of winter has officially worn off.  If you're like me, the first snowfall of the year evokes a pleasant, peaceful feeling- everything looks beautiful and Christmas-y.  The dull fall colours have been coated with a fresh blanket of pure white snow, the tree branches are delicately frosted and sparkling, and the snowflakes seem to dance in the cool, fresh, winter breeze.

Fast-forward about a month and you're going to get a different reaction upon discovering more snow.  It probably sounded a little something like this:

MOTHERFUCKER.  If we get one more millimeter of this SHIT, I'm moving to [insert warm place here]!!!

Fast-forward another month or two and you'll probably sound like this:

Shoulders slumped [Quiet weeping]

There are just so many unpleasant aspects about winter that they far outweigh any possible fun one might have during this objectionable season.  Piss on skiing, snowshoeing, snowmobiling, snowboarding, sliding, skating- all that shit.  I plan on donning some sweats, curling up underneath something (or someone) warm, and hibernating.

Winter is devastating to mind, body, and soul.  This is a typical day:

You drag your ass out of bed and your day is immediately ruined upon first glance at the pitch-black world outside your window.  Your spirit is further broken upon discovery of the four foot high mountain of snow at the end of your driveway.  That cock-sucking plow came by before you could get out- he's a sneaky bastard.  So you put on a shirt, then a sweater, your long-johns, boots, scarf, toque, mitts, and jacket so you can shovel yourself into a heart-attack in order to free yourself from the driveway.  Once that shit-tastic exercise is complete and you've sweat out 10 pounds of your body weight, it's time to attempt the drive to work.  While turning the key in the ignition, you're crossing your fingers, praying to God/Allah/Buddha/Oprah that your scrap-heap will start.  You know you should've plugged the fucker in the night before, but since you were already in your pajamas at 5:07pm, the thought of going outside and freezing your goodies was not very appealing.  If you're lucky enough to get your car started, you then get to risk your life on treacherous roads.  That fucking plow can snow in your driveway, but can't seem to remove snow from busy, well-traveled routes.  So you brave the ice and slush and aggressive FUCKS in TRUCKS who think they're somehow indestructible just because they're driving a TRUCK, all while a slow simmering rage is building inside you.  You put in your 8 hours (or 2 hours work and 6 hours F.T.D.) and you're eager to get home, only to discover that it's 4:00pm and it's already dark.  The thought of rickets briefly crosses your mind as you embark into the shit-show yet again.  Once you get home, your work is not finished- oh no, you get to shovel again!!  The plow came back and left the Great Wall of China at the end of the driveway making it necessary to park your car on the road.  Now if it was summertime, you wouldn't give a shit, but since it's winter, if you leave your car where it is, you'll be ticketed and have to pay a fine.  Awesome.  After another back breaking shoveling session, you can finally drag your weary ass inside for a drink.  And that's it.  That's your life for about 5-6 months.

Yes winter can be fun- if you really work at it.  There are a myriad of outdoor activities that we all enjoy, but winter is just so damn soul crushing.  It's dark, it's cold, and it's wet.  You have to dress in 17 layers to avoid frostbite.  I think every Canadian should be sent somewhere warm and sunny for two weeks at least once every time this  repulsive season comes around.  Mandatory vacation to a sun destination for all Canadians!  Are you with me?!?!?